Monday, January 23, 2012


I make lists all the time.

I have a To Do List - which is what I should have done today, things that are long overdue or simple tasks that I haven't got around to and that I feel bad about and lie awake thinking about. There is the To Do (General) List which consists of things that can wait. There is the Wish List, Gift Ideas list, Places to Go list, Stuff to Read. At the moment I'm not getting though any of them.

I'm trying to be careful about myself and not do things that will fuck me up and make me feel bad. And I am. I finished work on Friday and went home and had two glasses of wine.

However, on Saturday, the my car alarm fob stopped working and I didn't know what do to so I sat in the spare room and sobbed silently for Ooooh, about twenty minutes. Later, I replaced the battery and fixed it.

And yesterday, I got up late to find to my lovely boyfriend doing the washing up and hoovering and went back to lie on my unmade bed in my dressing gown, with tears running down my face for a half hour. It's a crushing feeling.

I have been so GOOD. I've been walking to or from work a lot more, eating low GI foods, not smoking (well, rarely) and cooking nutritious, cheap food and eating leftovers for lunch. I've been going to therapy (on time!) and writing in my diary and trying to read more. I will be making progress and then suddenly I'm wiped. I can't keep up. I'm overwhelmed and come to an abrupt stop. I tune out.

I have not worked today at all. Like, at all.

In the past, I used to find swimming very relaxing. When I was 12, I used to go over to the local pool almost EVERY night (for a while) and swim, swim, swim. In Melbourne, I found a lovely genteel pool with skylights for afternoon dips. I always found time and places for swimming. Maybe I should do it again. The thought of having to wear a swimsuit in public, with other (slim, fit) people around. And the fact my recently-refurbished local public pool has floor-to-ceiling windows and unisex showers....

Anyway. I will start posting again. I have ideas. IDEAS I tell you! I can't promise they will be any good but this blog exists as my own personal show and tell to everyone and no-one.



ps Depressing January post now ticked off my list.

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